1. Overthinking

Differentiate between ruminating and problem solving or planning. Problem solving and planning are active coping strategies, while rumination involves rethinking situations, analyzing them, and replaying them without forming an action plan or feeling a sense of resolution. Sometimes simply recognizing that you are ruminating can be a helpful step towards putting a stop to your overthinking. Once you identify that you are ruminating it is important to decide to change your thoughts by taking a break and focus on something more productive.

Get yourself distractedBecause the pull of rumination and overthinking can be strong, you will need to select activities that are engaging and positive, so that they effectively shift your attention from overthinking. Examples may include vigorous exercise, prayer, mindfulness exercises, doing a crossword puzzle, watching a movie, playing a game, or any other type of healthy activity that you find helpful.

Stop fighting with your thoughts;This might seem counterintuitive, but acceptance therapy suggests that efforts to stop certain thoughts can have the opposite effect. If you observe your thoughts in a non-judgmental way, such as thinking that it is interesting that your mind is repeating something, rather than getting frustrated with yourself for not being able to stop it, they might decrease in frequency or intensity.

Challenge perfectionistic views you may have. Are you judging your thoughts against an unrealistic vision of how a person would ideally act in a situation? Are you overly focused on any minor mistakes or negative aspects while discounting the positive aspects? One strategy that might help is thinking about what you would tell a friend who felt the way that you do.

Write your thoughts down. This can be particularly useful if you are trying to get to sleep and your mind is racing. By keeping a notepad next to your bed, you can record your thoughts/to-do list so that you no longer need to remember them. This gets your thoughts out rather than allowing them to circle in your head.

Talk to someone about the problem and gain a new perspective. A problem shared is a problem halved.

2. Fear of change

We often fear change because we cannot anticipate the outcome. However, staying put can be riskier than changing. Whether it is in your career or a relationship, you risk being left behind if you do not continue to grow.

Uncertainty feeds our fears. Your brain likes being in control. The drive for certainty is one of the brain’s functions. Uncertainty generates a strong alert response in our limbic system, which is why we worry and feel anxiety. This is a contributing factor that explains why we like to speculate; we’d rather create a fictional story than not know what will happen. To combat this, recall a time where you were uncertain about an outcome and whether good or bad, you overcame that situation. Remind yourself that you have done it before and you can do it again!

Our fear of failure also feeds our fear of change. Fearing failure means that you are less likely to start a new task or project, which can add a lot of pressure. What is worse is that when we are under pressure, we tend to make more mistakes. To combat the fear of failure, it is helpful to find the benefits of past failures. All negative experiences have some benefits, even if they are hard to see or appreciate at the moment.

Our fear of not being perfect feeds our fear of change. When completing an assignment, the first paragraph is often the most difficult. Hemingway said, “The first draft of anything is sh*t.” Every story can be great…But first, you must write the first draft.

3. Living In The Past

Accepting that life is made up of passing moments can make us feel stuck. We have a hard time moving on. When a job or a relationship, or even the summer is over, we can become stuck. We keep revisiting old memories instead of opening our minds to what’s next. Try to focus on upcoming events and opportunities. Create your opportunities like volunteering or joining a club or group at MIT. This will help you look ahead. You do not know what is around the corner if you are always looking back.

A chapter is not the book. Life is like a book - you have to turn the page to start a new chapter. To start a new chapter in your life, you have to first finish one. Sometimes we resist the end of a particular phase in our lives and we confuse the chapter with the book. Remember that there will always be new moments to create new memories.

4. Comparing Yourself

Seek connection, not a comparison. Limit the time you spend on social media and more importantly, use your time on social media effectively. Like many, you may spend hours scrolling through Facebook feeds Instagram posts or reading tweets that lead to you comparing yourself with others. Instead, send private messages, talk about shared experiences, and seek genuine connection with people. Social media can be a great source of inspiration. But, if it triggers inadequacy, self-doubt, and frustration, then choose to limit your use. Control your social media use and do not let it control you.

Look Up. Research suggests that upward comparison can provoke motivation and effort. Use the experiences of others to motivate you to achieve greater things and to seek out new experiences i.e, plan a holiday, adventure or exciting activity!

Count Your Blessings. If you focus on the good things in your life, you are less likely to think about what you lack. Gratitude is the quickest way to get rid of negative thoughts. When you find yourself feeling bad because you are comparing yourself to others, quickly replace those thoughts with a reminder of the positive things in your life i.e, education, family, achievements etc.

Compare Yourself to...Yourself. The author of The How of Happiness notes that "people who are happy use themselves for internal evaluation." She states that it is not that they do not notice upward comparisons, but they do not let that affect their self-esteem, and they stay focused on their improvement. "A happy runner compares himself to his last run, not to others who are faster."

Water your grass. When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could have invested in ourselves. We cannot grow nice green grass by focusing on our neighbours’ garden; we do it by nurturing our own.

Accept where you are. If you truly accept where you are in life, comparing yourself to others will not be as damaging to your self-esteem. Acknowledge that there are things in life you may have done differently (as with everyone) and acknowledge that there are things in life that you would like to achieve and although you may not there yet, you have plans to achieve your goals.

5. People Pleasing

So why do we do it? Why do we allow what others think of us to have so much power over how we feel about ourselves? If it were true that you cannot please all people all of the time, then it wouldn’t it make sense to stop trying?

Be aware. To change unhealthy approval-seeking behaviours, we must first become aware of them. People-pleasing behaviours can be obvious such as actively seeking validation or avoiding confrontation. Sometimes they can be a tad more subtle, such as being compliant, agreeable, and not wanting to ‘rock the boat.’

So, how do we recognize when we are people-pleasing? Ask yourself these questions, "did you say yes when you wanted to say no? Did you remain quiet because your opinion was different from someone else’s? Do you feel overwhelmed with how much is on your plate?"

Take stock of your opinions. Listening politely to other people’s opinions, even when you disagree is a good social skill to possess. However, pretending to agree with others just because you want to be liked can cause you to engage in behaviour that goes against your values.

You are responsible for you and you alone. It is healthy to recognize how your behaviour influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy can be a problem. It is up to an individual to be in charge of his or her own emotions.

No need to apologize… all the time. Whether you excessively blame yourself, or you fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You do not have to be sorry for being you.

Be free in choosing the things you do. You are in charge of how you spend your time. But if you are a people-pleaser, there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that you think other people want you to do.

Say ‘no’. Whether you say ‘yes’ and then actually follow through, or you later fake an illness to get out your commitments, you will always feel overwhelmed if you do not stand up for yourself.

Get rid of your People-Pleasing ways. While it is important to impress your boss and show that you can be agreeable, being subservient could backfire. You will never reach your greatest potential if you are trying to be all things to all people.

Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. Express your opinion about something simple. You can take a stand for something you believe in. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability to be yourself.

If you are struggling to let go of these habits, seek help. MIT counsellors are available to you for a one-on-one free and confidential counselling session. If you would like to make an appointment, please contact us at counsellor@mit.edu.au